I love the Dillsburg Public Library and the fine people who work or volunteer there (hi Mom).  Our wonderful public information center has grown up quite a bit since I moved here in 1985.  I "borrowed" Stephen King's The Stand that year.  Despite the length of the book (even the original version I read has 1.73 million pages) I managed to return the book on time.  Keep this in mind when you check out anything by Maeve Binchy.  Maeve is surely a great pen name, so I'm positive the real Miss Binchy is just peachy and an outstanding citizen.  However, it takes a very fast reader I know about 8 minutes to throw one of Maeve's books on the couch and exclaim, "I'd rather eat a raw onion" (she hates onions...but does like onion rings)!  Right about now  you are probably thinking, "What does this have to do with the Library Police"?  So am I -- so let me make something up:

The "fast reader" I mentioned before just happens to live in the same house as I do.  She also happens to be the hardest book-throwing southpaw in York County.  It is also a  fact that our couch not only eats pennies but has been known to devour a sloppy joe, a pair of clogs, the First Edition of Rush Limbaugh: The Man Who Loves Cheese, and many other fictional items.  At this point I'd like to misquote Kurt Vonnegut and say "Nothing is True, Everything is Permissible".

Friendly reader, you must be thinking, "What if the gluttonous couch eats Ms. Binchey's book about struggles of ordinary people growing up in London with Texas accents"?
Well...let me tell you what would happen. Fast reader's favorite fiancé' would call his favorite lawyer.  Mr. Lawyer would proceed to throw a class action lawsuit at Lazy Boy demanding a years supply of that furniture cleaner that no-one ever uses because it's so much easier to just sit on that darn spot when company shows up.  Mr. Lawyer would also like to see this specific couch serve 30 days in Tipper Gore's reading room where Mrs. Vice President can shove Frank Zappa albums in it in an heroic attempt to rid the world of truly entertaining and unique music.

So....you can see how complicated this law could get.

But seriously, if, when  I was eight years old,  I heard the library could send the police to my house if Mom didn't return Green Eggs and Ham last month.....I would have been very intimidated by the librarian.  So here's my plan....are you listening Dillsburg Public Library?:

When little Johnny comes in to borrow a book make him put his hand over his heart and say, "I, Little Johnny, do promise to return Green Eggs and Ham within 30 days.  If I do not return said book within 30 days I will write a book report on a Maeve Binchy selection of your choice".

Anyone want to buy a really nice couch?

Have a nice day Dillsburg!